As a little girl, I absolutely adored the after-school snack of chocolate Jello pudding. Maybe you did, too? I had it all the time but now I recognize that in order to really be a Conscious Diva, I have to make the healthiest version of one of my favorite childhood desserts to keep me looking and feeling my absolute best. This is an energizing mix of raw chocolate, raw honey, coconut oil, wild blue green algae, and vanilla bean – each offering a wide spectrum of nutrition disguised in a decadent dish.

This one is made fresh with organic and raw ingredients that are lightly infused with nutrient-dense superfoods to take it to the next level. It’s a dream dessert for those needing a mood-lift or metabolism boost, since raw cacao and wild blue green algae both contain PEA (the “bliss chemical”) and supercharge energy resulting in weight loss. You’ll feel the energy lift and opening of your heart while your taste buds do the happy dance!

Maybe you’ve heard that chocolate is good for you… did you giggle when you heard that one? Well, it is true, but the catch is that you want your chocolate to be unprocessed, unheated, untreated, not roasted or with added refined sugars and pasteurized dairy as this is what makes chocolate unhealthy. What we want is the same deeply satisfying taste that’s positively addicting – yet without the guilt. It’s an easy fix: use raw chocolate powder instead of the more processed cocoa powder, add some superfoods to the mix to up the nutrition, and sweeten it with an enzymatically-active raw honey that keeps your immune system strong!

There are many raw pudding recipes available online with a base of bananas and dates – which is great – but I like taking the road less traveled and for this one I chose avocados and raw honey. The result of this combo is a creamy pudding perfect for lovers on Valentine’s Day! The avocados bring a texture that nothing else can and are so easily digested (they are a fruit!), allowing this sweet dessert to feel light in your beautiful body.

Just as the size of avocados can vary, the pudding can vary from batch to batch. Ultimately what you’re going for is a super creamy pudding without it tasting too much like avocado (actually quite easy to accomplish), too powdery, or with the flavor of honey too pronounced.

CREAMY CACAO PUDDING

4 medium organic ripe avocados
¾ cup raw honey (locally sourced and organic if possible)
½ cup organic raw cacao powder
¼ cup softened organic extra virgin coconut oil
1 teaspoon wild blue green algae
1 teaspoon vanilla bean powder
pinches of sea salt
spring water to catch the blades

OPTIONAL: garnish with raw cacao nibs, coconut shreds, and/or goji berries if you want some crunchy bits as part of your chocolate party

Blend ingredients together in a high-speed blender using the tamper through the opening on the lid (if using a Vita-Mix) to push the ingredients onto the blades, adding a small amount of liquid (spring water or non-dairy milk) when necessary to get a silky smooth texture. You can certainly make this easy recipe if using a regular blender, but you may need to stop/start it more often scraping the pudding from the sides and on to the blades so it all gets mixed very well.

Use a spatula to scoop out into your serving bowl and relish the taste of real pudding! Eat some right away, and as an option you can chill the pudding in the refrigerator for an hour and serve chilled if desired.

The Creamy Cacao Pudding will keep fresh in the fridge for 2-3 days in a glass container with a sealed lid. Enjoy!

Bethanne Wanamaker is the founder of Edible Goddess, co-author of Superfood Beauty Elixirs, and a featured author in Thank God I: Stories of Inspiration for Every Situation, volume 3. She founded Edible Goddess to teach emerging health enthusiasts how to take their health to the next level, have more core energy, resilience to stress, and everlasting vitality and youth. http://EdibleGoddess.com

When I bring up the topic of boundaries at my live Vividly Woman workshops and retreats that make up the Embodied Leadership Training, it’s almost like I’m speaking a foreign language. “A Boundary, what’s that?” or “I thought intimacy was about letting others in, not keeping them out.”

The misunderstandings and lack of familiarity about boundaries is precisely why I bring them up at the beginning of each training. Establishing felt sense boundary awareness is what facilitates a sense of self, without which I think it’s pointless to attempt doing inner work. In other words, without a sense of boundaries, there isn’t really a Self to explore and do inquiry about.

What is a boundary?

So first thing first, what the heck is a boundary anyway?

A boundary is the periphery of the energetic field that emanates from your center 360 degrees around your body and orients you in the world in relationship to other beings, things and situations. Imagine yourself standing in the center of a hula hoop. The hoop can be any circumference. The hoop is a physical representation of your energy boundary.

When our boundaries are intact we feel a sense of wellbeing, autonomy and an I am-ness. When our boundaries have been crashed into by another, or if we fail to consciously set our own boundaries, we can become uprooted from our center, unsettled in our own skin, stuck in our energy, less potent and powerful.

Healthy boundaries are alive and ever changing. They change to accommodate circumstances, moods and current needs. Knowing this is essential. Expect your boundaries to organically shift if they are an authentic expression of you. This is your body and your energy speaking to you. A healthy boundary can and does change. For instance, when I’m presenting with a large group, I establish a large boundary, when I’m being sexually intimate with my husband, my boundary is much smaller.

Rather than being a wall to keep people or things out, a boundary is like a container that allows you to have more of you. While boundaries can be misconstrued as separating us from each other, the truth is that when we learn how to have healthy and distinctive boundaries, we can be more truly present with each other, and more authentically connected. It’s important to understand  the meaning of having authentic boundaries because then we’ll be more naturally motivated to create them.

Here’s an example when boundaries serve me. When I teach, present or facilitate group process, I notice that the way I relate to and the way that the group perceives me, is strongly influenced by my ability to stay conscious of my boundary. Without a sense of my own boundary I’ll often feel unsure of being able to hold the space for the group, most likely because I am not even really holding the space for myself.

When first I hold the space for me, by consciously creating my own boundary however, there’s an instant sense of coming home in my own body. This connection to myself is what it means to be in my power. From this place I can hold a reverent and dynamic space for others, inspiring them to trust in my leadership.

Types of Boundaries

Boundaries can be fluid, fixed, contracted, and expanded. Most likely we all experience a little of each at different moments, in different situations, with different individuals, etc. Just as, the dance of life ebbs and flows, boundaries ebb and flow as well.

A fluid boundary flows and changes according to the situation. A fixed boundary is rigid and does not easily accommodate changing circumstances. A contracted boundary causes one to shrink back, shut down and/or lose power. An expanded boundary may cause one to be overbearing, approval seeking and/or lose a realistic sense of oneself.

By now you should be getting a sense of how true boundaries are always an authentic expression of you. The meaning of honoring authentic boundaries in your life is beyond measure because it will show up in every relationship and impact all outcomes.

Healing Relationships

Different relationships and circumstances elicit different boundaries. Often a certain relationship or situation has a characteristic boundary that we automatically step into out of habit. Awareness helps us to make necessary choices rather than be run by unconscious patterns or external factors, and facilitates a depth of meaning in relation to our own felt sense of boundaries.

Boundaries are a natural and essential part of relationships. Our ability to notice our boundaries when we relate will help us to stay in our power, remain in our integrity and encourage authenticity and true intimacy.

To explore your sense of boundaries it’s helpful to reflect on relationships that challenged you in the past. One of my early work relationships exemplifies this well.

Working for Jake was not a pleasant experience. His anger brought up for me the anger I had experienced with other important men in my life. His critical nature tended to feed the judgments I held about myself and reminded me of the anger I can easily turn inward.

When I began to practice taking a deep breath and drawing an imaginary boundary around my body during our interactions, I magically started to sense my own power when I in his presence. I could let him be who he is, how he is, and I no longer took on his negative projections. My boundary acted like a bubble distinguishing me from him and his issues that were truly not mine.

Healing Relationship exercise

This exercise will help you to take a look at your boundaries in your past and present relationships. This will shed a lot of light about you and the interpersonal dynamics of those relationships.

Make a list of some of the most important intimate, family and work relationships you’ve had. Using the types of boundaries mentioned above, go down your list and rate each one according to the type of boundary you had or have within that relationship. Fluid (FL), fixed (FX), contracted (C), expanded (E). This simple exercise will have you being more aware in these relationships and new ones that your form.

Enjoy the process of getting to know yourself better by getting to know your boundary tendencies and patterns. All our relationships have so much to gain when we establish, honor and stay curious about our boundaries, especially our relationship to Self; the place where all relationships begin!

It’s took me a LONG time to get to that point of realization in my head, and even longer to say it out loud. But for me, life is about living out loud – living my fullest, most vibrant, fab-sassiness! So why keep my ‘flaws’ a secret!?

First off, ‘flaws’ are no secret. We all have something, no matter how big or small, important or minor, we think, hope, and maybe even pray to keep from others. It’s our own ‘stuff’ rolled up in a ball and hidden in the back of our inner closet. It’s the ‘stuff’ that we are ashamed of as embarrassing and/or unsightly. It’s our self-judgment gone hail-Mary on what we ‘think’ is important to others. It’s our subjective lens undervaluing aspects of ourselves as less-than something else…but what? By who’s scale, really.

Most people at one time or another feel flawed in certain aspects of their lives. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling how you feel. That said, feeling flawed can rob you of your energy, your confidence, and your happiness. It’s your ego running your life, and it can suck your fabulous-ness down the drain!

So if we all have flaws, who do we think we’re fooling? If we accept that we all have flaws, then it’s not solely about hiding ours from the world. Could it be an attempt to conceal our flaws from ourselves? Like a giant shell-game of ‘shuffle the flaws so I don’t focus on any one of them!’ While we may ‘obsess’ about certain aspects of our appearance, our personalities, our work circumstances, etc., and deem them as ‘bad’ or ‘flawed,’ the truth is they simply are what they are. The challenge is that we add our own meaning to them.

If it’s hard to accept your thighs are bigger than they were last year, you’re increasingly impatient, and/or you’re too afraid to take a risk, it’s time to get out of your own way! Face your ‘imperfections’ and finally love yourself, flaws and all.

Maybe you’re like me: you’ve spent more time trying to fix your various flaws than you’d likely admit even to your BFF. Sure I may look all together, but many of my desires and goals come from a sense of insecurity deep within me. Somehow thinking that if I simply ‘fix’ what’s ‘wrong’ with me, I assume everything will be ‘okay.’ Does this dynamic sound familiar to you?

Why focus on fixing flaws? Yup, the idea passed through my mind yet again: it’s more important to love my flaws. Sounds easy on the surface, but I’ve resisted loving my flaws for a long time. I worried that if I actually loved the things I thought were ‘imperfect’ they’d never change, and I’d be stuck with them. I feared I’d be lazy about self-improvement, continuing to go about life ‘as is.’ Is that the life a person deserves?

Here’s the thing, only love leads to real healing and transformation. It’s the vital ingredient to true acceptance of ourselves…just as we are. Self-love is the root to accepting our authentic selves.

I invite you to consider some ideas to help shift your views about your ‘flaws’ toward a self-love celebration:

1. What’s true for you? Identifying your truth comes with awareness. Sure you may try to avoid, run from, or pretend your flaws are gone, but denial doesn’t work. Instead, it’s important to own your belief if you’re going to shift it. Ready to get real?
2. What emotion(s) drives your sense of being ‘flawed’? By acknowledging and expressing the true emotions behind a perceived ‘flaw,’ you free yourself. If a certain aspect of your personality, your body, your career, etc. bothers you, it’s ideal to acknowledge and express your feelings authentically. Emotions turn negative when they are denied and repressed, but they become positive when they are expressed appropriately, liberating you from drama and suffering.
3. Ready to forgive yourself? Self-forgiveness is vital. Most people are super hard on themselves, so forgiveness takes courage. True self-forgiveness sets you free. Feeling flawed often results in blaming and judging (yourself and/or others). When you’re able to forgive yourself in an authentic way, you create the opportunity for real change and healing to take place.
4. What do you appreciate? ‘Appreciate’ doesn’t necessarily mean you like, agree with, or enjoy something. It simply reflects how you value that thing. A benefit to life challenges is learning a great deal about yourself (and others). When you appreciate with gratitude the learning process, you can move from feeling sorry for yourself toward freedom and growth. What have you learned by dealing with your ‘flaw?’
5. What do you love about you? Your ability to love your flaws with kindness and compassion is what fosters true transformation. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. When you love your flaws, you’re able to make authentic intentional changes, or learn to love and accept yourself whether an actual change takes place or not. ‘Flaws’ offer an opportunity for you to deepen your capacity to experience love.

When you’re able to tell your truth, express your real emotions, forgive yourself, appreciate your ‘flaws,’ and love all aspects of you (even the challenging ones), you release your ‘flaws.’ While it may feel easier to get busy and distracted, whine and complain, pretend things are fine, or various other avoidance techniques, exploring your ‘flaws’ in an authentic way with intention, support, compassion, and patience is how you can genuinely love your whole self…just as you are!

When is the last time you felt you were preforming at your best in all areas of your life?

Our attitude is so fragile that even the smallest of experiences can dramatically inspire our moods. Our attitude is what drives the quality of our lives – relationships, work success and personal peace.

If you dissect what causes an attitude, you’ll find it is change. If we are in a great mood and something bad happens (a change), it can cause us to feel bad. If we are feeling depressed and something good happens (a change), it can cause us to feel empowered.

The positive and negative thing about life (pending your viewpoint) is that change is a constant. In fact, I don’t think we realize just how frequent change occurs in our lives. It’s multiple, if not dozens of times a day!

One of the most important realizations of my life to date is that change is constant. If change is constant, then I can either continue to be surprised about it or I can learn to accept it and respect it. If I know change is going to come, I start to let go of attachment to things and better prepare for the impact (good or uncomfortable).

For example, if I accept that change is constant then it should be no surprise to me when I hit every red light on the way to work and end up being late for a meeting. By accepting and respecting change, I gain the opportunity to choose my reaction to each event. Instead of cursing the whole way to work and putting all that negative energy in the world, I can take a big deep breath, laugh and hope that my boss isn’t too mad when I walk in the door. I can also try and control that change as much as the Universe will let me – for example, by calling my boss to let him know I will be late and hopefully lessen the impact. This is an example of a small-impact change.

Large-impact changes become much more difficult to ‘laugh off’ or accept. An example is discovering your relationship partner has cheated on you. This is the kind of change that seems impossible to understand, accept and for sure, impossible to respect, right? If I am not used to change, this experience would totally catch me off guard, I would immediately get defensive and play the ‘victim’ card. It would also absolutely affect my future relationships. I may never trust again.

By knowing that change is inevitable, it allows me the opportunity to sort of rise above the current experience and look at the unfolding of this event in another perspective. Instead of wondering what is wrong with ME that would cause him to cheat, I would have the opportunity to let go of attachment and see this wasn’t about me at all. It was about him and his interests changing. (And can you really blame someone for changing? We change ALL the time as humans. You have every right to get upset about how he handled that change, but you can only get so upset about the change itself.) The new perspective is that this ‘cheating’ was not about ME. I can accept this and respect it. Think about how much easier this view is to process and move on from. It won’t leave me with trust issues and it won’t leave me exposed and vulnerable. Instead, it leaves me with great power.

Our mind and ability to process information any way we CHOOSE is a tremendous power. We only scratch the very surface of what’s possible in how we perceive events and change.

Below I have listed out a few steps or questions to ask yourself the next time you are presented with a change:

1. Take a deep breath and try to step outside of your experience.
2. Ask, “What is this really about?”
3. Ask, “If change is constant, how can I look at this situation with acceptance and respect for the process?”
4. Ask, “How will I choose to respond to this change to better my life and my experience?”

If you need a reminder, a great “mirror message” would be:  I will expect, accept and respect change.

Will all have the power to create our own reality. What will you choose to do with yours?

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Dancing with Dragons

This is the Year of the Dragon. I’m rather partial to dragons myself. Because I teach preschool ballet, I’ve seen some pretty mean-looking dragons in my time. Three-year-olds have terrifyingly fantastic imaginations, so the dragons in our studio are fairly frightening creatures. They are enormous and ugly – and I mean shiver-in-your-satin-slippers-ugly. And boy, are they smelly! And in ballet class, being smelly is the worst possible sin there is. So these are not dragons to be scoffed at you understand.

Now over the years some pretty famous people have advised us to slay the dragons in our path. I’m not going to mention names. Suffice it to say that people I admire and respect have given us steps, and tools, and foolproof dragon-slaying techniques. And it has always bothered me…intensely. Because, as my little ballerinas will tell you, simply sticking a sword in a scary creature doesn’t get rid of him. Anyone with a vague understanding of how magic works will tell you that what makes a dragon so peculiarly fascinating and wonderful, is his ability to come alive again…with a different appearance! He can change his shape, and his colour, and even his smell. Sometimes he doesn’t even look like a dragon at all. Why, I’ve known dragons so clever that they disguise themselves as fairies, all sparkly, and fragile, and pink! And it’s only when you come face-to-face with them in a dark and unexpected place, all by yourself, that they assume their regular dragon form. So slaying a dragon is really no use at all…no not at all. Every preschooler knows that the only way to deal with a dragon is to take a deep breath, calm the quivering in your knees, and invite him to join your rainbow tea party.

I have, over the past few years, crashed into some pretty wild dragons. It has been an ‘interesting’ experience, although my family would probably use a different word entirely. And I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I didn’t listen to myself or my tiny students. I thought that all those “experts” out there must be right. That in order for me to find my truth, live my authentic life, be who it is I should be, do what I was sent here to do…that I needed to slay the dragons. But here’s what I learned…the only expert on your own life is you. I would like to say that again…loudly…THE ONLY EXPERT ON YOUR LIFE IS YOU. And once I stopped listening to the experts, and started listening to the magic inside, it started coming together. I’m not going to lie…it was messy. And I made mistakes…many. And my decisions were sometimes a little sketchy…OK, a lot sketchy. But the day I stood on stage, in all my glory, my fear beating palpably in my chest, I finally understood what my wise preschoolers know instinctively, even though they can’t yet articulate it…the dragon is inside. A part of us. He is. Undoubtedly. As my entire body trembled in the glare of the spotlight I felt him shooting up my spine, and in that moment I experienced both a terrifying energy, and a comforting surrender. Because I suddenly understood that if I could befriend him, share some tea, look in his eyes, I would be able to achieve undreamed of things. I knew that if I could stand on his big hairy feet, put my head on his chest and let him put his arms around me, the dance we could do together would be one beyond my wildest imagining. So I took a deep breath, closed my eyes for a moment, and held out my hand. And what a dance it continues to be…

Since 2012 is, according to the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of the Dragon, it seems a good time to do a little Dragon Dancing. And my resolution for this fresh new year is to find the brave among us who are daring to dance with their dragons. Perhaps you are one of them.

Watch this space…

* What does your Dragon look like? (You may have more than one…if so, you are inordinately lucky, because they are an endless source of creativity…look closely)

* If you had only three minutes to dance with your Dragon, what piece of music would you choose?

* Where would you dance with your Dragon? Think outside the box…there is no ‘impossible’ when it comes to Dragons.

* And what would you wear? It’s all about the outfit ladies…all about the outfit 

Alessandra Sagredo and Her Inner Child at Play

A few weeks ago I was reminded of a special key to vibrant living, one that in the midst of various work projects I had forgotten.  Forgetting to take my daily dose of Vitamin P, I soon found myself face to face with an unruly child, that is the Inner Child of me.

The Story begins…

Someone kept poking at me.  I could feel it tickling my rib cage making my side tingle.

Slightly annoyed with the interruption I became more determined to ignore it. “I’m focused” I said to myself, the keyboard “clack clack clacking” as I continued to type.

*Poke, poke…*

There it was again this time more determined. Putting on my serious “look” I stared even harder at my laptop screen fixated on finishing my course outline.

*poke… giggle… poke poke poke… giggle*

Now it was getting ridiculous, not only was someone poking me, now they were giggling.  Sighing to myself I took my hands from the keyboard, sat back, closed my eyes and tuned inwards.  There she was, a devious smile across her angelic face, eyes wide with excitement “let’s play” she burst out.  I smiled inwardly looking at the child side of myself (pondering what “wonders” my parents were for raising me… )

“There is work to do” I said, thinking that the sternness in my voice was remnant of my old grade 9 English teacher.  Her reply was to roll her blue eyes and look at me like I knew nothing… “What?” I said feeling slightly affronted, I mean I was the adult… not this 8 year old me.

“ugh!” she shook her head “You forget sometimes, play is what…. ummm…” she paused as if searching for the word, “ok, it’s like this, play is like a vitamin, Vitamin P!; taking time to play, to dance, to make snow men and sing songs is just as important as eating that green rabbit food you’re so determined we need” here she scrunched up her nose slightly and continued “when you don’t play you become tired, when you don’t play you see less color around you, when you don’t play well… boring and to be honest life becomes black and white”.

She had me, it was true.  In life, play is vital, it’s imp0rtant and no matter how busy we get, how much “stuff we have going on” or deadlines to meet, if we don’t take time to play we do lose that important “Vitamin P”… “Vitamin Play”.

By infusing ourselves with a daily dose of Vitamin P we:

• add more joy to our world which means color!  Bursts of bright tones, dynamic hues, shades which stun the eyes fill our vision. We see life differently full of hope and opportunity.
• revitalize our bodies, minds and spirits.  Nourishing our systems through breaks in the day with a fun activity refuels our bodies, rests our minds and allows our Spirits to get out and experience a different side of life.
• refocus our mental faculties.  By stepping back from work, even for a moment, and doing something that makes us smile (or giggle with glee) allows us to clear our thoughts.  When we return to our projects we are ready to focus down again and often infused with new inspirations and ideas.
• love our inner child.  Engaging in a bit of silliness, laughter provoking fun or simply something new with childlike wonder stimulates our inner child and helps her to feel loved.  Remember no matter how old you get you will always have that child within you.

Play is a vitamin just as important as all those other supplements we use to fuel our bodies.  It is vital to living vibrantly.  Need a few ideas on how to get your dose?  Here are a few suggestions:

• take yourself for a walk through the park, if you find the swings and they look inviting… go for it!
• read a funny book that tickles your inner child.
• get together with friends and allow yourself to get a bit silly, laughter is a wonderful tool.
• sing along with a song at the top of your lungs that makes you smile (don’t worry about anyone hearing you…)
• make cookies and decorate them with colorful candies.
• draw, paint, color… get creative (no judging your artwork allowed

You get the idea!

After my inner child gave me the grown up “talking to” we went out.  I soon found myself riding a coin-paid horse and grinning as the walkers by looked curiously at me.  I felt free in the most beautiful way and could feel my inner child glowing as the Vitamin P began to flood our system.

Now Divas… when is your next play date with yourself?  and what will you?  I would love to hear your favorite way of getting your Vitamin P!

Cheers,

Alessandra,
Spiritual Hedonist

Pray for the consciousness to recognize him (and he you) and to welcome him (and he you) and, then, navigate the relationship to its potential together.

The truth is most of us aren’t interested in calling in someone. Those attracted to the Calling in “The One” eight-step transformative process are serious about a holistic path of growth and development as the foundation for the greatest possibility of love and partnership in this lifetime.

We desire our very best life with our very best love.

The reasons for coupling in the 21^st Century are evolving. The motivation for relationship is aligning with the deeper purpose of our lives. We sense the potential for something extraordinary: A life organized around each other’s spiritual becoming.

And then we experience the gap, sometimes a chasm, between our present self and who we’d need to be being inside a highest love-fulfilled future. So what are these gaps, exactly? They are the original source fractures, or false beliefs, formed when we were very young about who we are, who others are and what’s possible. And they sound something like “I’m alone” or “Love is for other people and not me” or “God doesn’t support me to have love,” etc.

Inside a fairytale trance, we tend to believe someone else (aka “The One”) is coming to rescue us, prove the false identity wasn’t true and fuse this agonizingly painful source fracture—boom, at last—once and for all. In fact, we’re quietly counting on it and calling it “true love.”

But the truth is (and please forgive the clichéd buzz-kill here) we never find out if the prince kissed Beauty (and Snow White, too) awake the second time or if real communication skills ever happened behind castle doors.

Can anyone say “agony” when we feel like an alone, have-not, unsupported-by-God, developmentally-stunted little girl in the dynamic with our boyfriend/husband/lover? Or anyone else for that matter? Oh no, we are mistaken to believe the gap will close when we meet “the right person.” He never was, and never will be, the source of fusing that original fracture. Actually, our relationship with him will eventually devolve over time to reflect these original false beliefs, or source fractures, that were (we thought) his job to fix.

We must become the heroines of a new story and “The One” we are waiting for. What does that actually mean? We’re called to relationally evolve our own consciousness by awakening these younger parts of ourselves (who made these false meanings to begin with and, hence, became fractured and stunted) to an identity based on deeper truth. The great secret of transformation is this: Whatever we turn toward, with deep love and presence, will transform. Being “The One” to fuse the source fracture doesn’t mean the best possible partner isn’t coming. On the contrary, it signals his arrival.

And, so, good morning: The relationship with another will always mirror the relationship with oneself. Fiercely engaging a path of body, mind and soul development on the deepest level of identity is the most important, practical, thing we can do to prepare for our beloved partner. For we become the co-creative source of the love and partnership we sense is possible thereby revealing who we really are: Awake, whole and ready.

Is it possible?

Absolutely.

Here’s how.

Have you ever built a fire?

You take your kindling—small pieces of wood. You need some newspaper (we’re urban fire-makers, here), larger pieces of wood and a match—a spark.

You crumple the newspaper into a loose ball. Not too tight. You layer the kindling on top of it, stacked and criss-crossed, leaving plenty of room for air to circulate. You light the match to the fire. Once the kindling is ignited, you can place the larger pieces of wood on top of it. Strategically. Delicately. You can’t weigh it down too quickly or it will go out.

Now we want to keep this thing alive.

I was staying in a rustic cabin this weekend. In order to keep the fire going, I had to keep my attention on it constantly. It got me thinking how fire is like sexual chemistry.

You have two people. There’s heat between them. They dance around each other and build the attraction. At some point it’s irresistible. They have to succumb.

How do you keep that fire raging?

Here’s what fire teaches you about hot sex:

1) You need oxygen/air/space to feed the fire. The space in between the wood slabs is as important as the slabs themselves. We each need room to breathe. Our individual lives, our own passions and interests are essential for maintaining attraction.

Getting sucked into the void of living only for your partner or your family does not generate high voltage attraction. It kills it. You need to have desires outside of your relationship for projects, people, ideas that fire you up. Then you bring that fire back to your relationship. Studies have shown that people who honor themselves—their lives, their projects, their needs—are more attractive to their partners.

Be sure you create space for your other loves. You need to feed your own fires too.

2) You need to agitate it for it to grow. When the flames ebbed, I’d stick the (uh) poker into the fire and rev up the flames again. They’d billow up, I’d stack more wood on them and the fire would rage.

Growth comes out of challenging circumstances. We are forced to think bigger, outside of our normal habits and routines. We are forced to develop strengths we didn’t have before. Agitation is important.

Seek out opportunities that throw you out of your comfort zones. Together. Be pro-active and invite them in. Or else they’ll come to you. Get in the habit of living in the unknown together. It will strengthen you. That’s exciting. And arousing.

3) You need to keep your attention on it. In the back of your mind, you are always focused on how it needs to stay lit. And stoked. Think of it like a young baby. You don’t ever just leave it to fend for itself, do you? Even if it’s napping and you are taking care of other things, you are still attentive to when it awakens. You plan what you’ll do with it later that day.

Apply that to your intimate life. You can’t let it fall out of your attention. Or the flame goes out and you have to start from scratch. And that’s A LOT more work!

For that reason, I’m a huge advocate of scheduling sex. Make sex dates! Slotting intimacy in your calendar means that it can’t get placed at the bottom of your to-do list. I suggest a minimum of once a week—like three hours on a Friday night. Or, once a day for those of you who like things tropical hot. Like me.

There you go: three tools you can use to fan the flames of intimacy. What else would you throw onto the fire?

(Image: Saitoshi Saikusa)